2016: New job. More money.
I lost my apartment in NC, money just wasn’t enough. I came back to Louisiana, living with my parents again. My 3 children and myself. I applied for a new job, things were looking up. I got a new car and was ready to get my own place. Because of the eviction, no one would rent to me. I felt stuck. I kept applying to new places, no approvals. I decided to give it a rest and save money until my track record was clear of the negative mark. I started going out again, enjoying life. I still felt empty inside.
After everything with my failed marriages and having a 3rd child, I stopped allowing myself to feel. Shut down emotionally.
2018: Depression
The people that I considered friends in 2018 were draining me of my energy. I would always be there to listen to their problems, lend a helping hand & it was not reciprocated. I started to feel broken and alone. I stopped reaching out to them and made myself unavailable. By mid 2019, Depression became my home. I was sad all the time, no doing my hair and no enjoying life. Work. Home. Parenting, barely. Crying whenever I was alone. Sleeping all the time. For months I couldn’t explain what was wrong. I had no friends. Stayed away from family. Still in the home with my parents.
The end of 2019, around September, I’d applied for a place of my own. I got approved!!!! Being in my own place really changed the way I was feeling. I starting writing more. Praying more. I felt more settled and stable. I stopped crying all the time. I started making friends again. Of course this didn’t happen over night. I no longer felt like a failure and my energy started to get lighter. The dark thoughts were no longer taking over. I felt whole again, like I was able to be the person I knew I could be. I started doing positive affirmations. I wrote out my feelings. Stability really changed my life.
The depression wasn’t simply about moving forward, it was a hole in the darkness that had become my comfort. I held on to the things that broke me, simply accepted what went on and kept quiet about the lingering pain. I was held under water by the events of my life. I didn’t speak up, I didn’t remove the thoughts, I just kept the pain inside my head and my heart. Part of me felt as though I deserved what had happened to me. I didn’t know what to do after my traumas so I did nothing. I now know that was not a good idea. I should found an outlet, someone to talk to and expressed my feelings about each situation.
Today, I understand how trauma can affect your mind and body. I write in my journal all the time, I blog (obviously) and I share my feelings with those close to me. I also use my social platforms to share my feelings. I choose my battles wisely now: if people exhibit red flags, I don’t accept it as a challenge. I simply remove myself from the equation. I’m not allowing others to come into my space and disrupt my peace.