Days of before, when I was at war within my mind, I went into relationships half way. An unopened book with sealed pages, the guy either accepted what was being offered or I disappeared. I closed my heart off to prevent myself from being vulnerable, keep from being hurt again. Collateral damage was the result. Fights, no real connection and sadness were the prizes I received from being so selfish with my love. Deciding to deal with myself showed me the error of my ways and how I hurt others in the process of being hurt and remaining in those lands of ruin within my mind.
I truly wanted them to give me their all while I have half of myself. Ridiculous!
I am single but fulfilled these days. Many years passed where I equated being alone with being lonely. Being lonely, for me, including being with a man that couldn’t see me as a person. Loneliest times of my whole existence included being with someone that I was only worthy to in time of need but invisible any other moment. I was lonely because I didn’t give much effort to any guy and expected him to love me enough for the both of us. Selfish and unreasonable to say the least, I’m growing and healing. I am not perfect. I am accountable for my behavior and my actions. I forgive myself for who I was and am grateful for who I am.