My life has been chaotic, even as a child…holding on to pain is all I’ve ever known, is change possible? Do I even want to change? YES and YES!
Exhausted of the lack mindset, tired of people pleasing, and ready to release the pain that became my baggage—no vacation. I’d experienced so my pain from a young age. Slight back story…my dad tried to take my mom’s life when I was 10. Dad committed suicide when I was 12. Not much happiness in my home life. I was an introvert, never made many friends as a youth. I had my brother, it always felt like it was just us two.
My mom became a disabled single mom. Single mom on a fixed income, life seemed so bleak. Mommy did her best to care for us with what she had; enter the lack mindset. Along with disappointment and pain from almost losing my mommy and losing daddy.
Middle school, I had one friend and spent lots of times with my cousins. High school, I blossomed a little. I had a few friends and I started doing things. By this time, mommy had gotten married again. Things had changed all around. We had a new dad, we were able to do more and mommy became happier. Graduation came. What do I do next? I joined the US Navy.
Hello people pleasing. New people, no one familiar and a new place. Feeling the need to fit in, I meet new people and allow them into my world, the door is slightly opened. I’m going places I shouldn’t be, hanging out with bad influences and being nice to people so I won’t feel so alone. Honestly, I met some really amazing people while on active duty, some I still talk to and follow on social media. I met my husband while on active duty, as we all know that didn’t work out.
I created a fantasy and inserted him into my made up world. I can now see that neither of us was ready for marriage. We both had scars and trauma from childhood that had gone untreated. We didn’t grow together. When we had kids, I started to understand where I’d been and map out where I wanted to go because now I was responsible for another life. He didn’t have that same epiphany. Exits stage left.
Here’s my life, over 20 years later and it all makes sense. The traumas don’t leave you if you allow them to lay dormant in your system. They eat away at any chances you have at happiness, gnawing in the background at your mind. Always there. Getting older, I realized I’d shortchanged myself for way too long. I also had this idea that change would be extremely hard and peace would look like me laying on an island with a tropical drink and parasol umbrella. Peace isn’t always going to be sunshine and roses, there will be rough days and tears shed. That’s okay. My tears help me purge that old energy and release those traumas.