After realizing the only way change was going to come was if I battled my demons head-on, I had to figure out how to fight myself. I cried so many tears in the beginning. My first outlet in dealing with my anger, sadness and depression was my ink pen.
I wrote out my feelings, so many poems and storIes. The baggage was overwhelming but I’d hidden it for so long, unpacking everything was the choice or my next phase would be destructive behavior. Bag number one was my failed marriage (I even wrote a book about it, I’ll link it below). When my husband left me, I was devastated, heart broken and mentally destroyed. If planned a whole life with THIS man, not anyone else. Him. As we got older, we didn’t grow together. Responsibility became my life, partying and having a good time became his life. I was mama, wife, student, accountant, chef and many more things in the home. He watched sports, went to clubs and spent time outside of the home. He became involved with his co-worker, they became a couple and I became a single mom.
After major trauma, everyone always tells you how you should feel, how to act and how lone you should be in broken state. I listened to them. It worked for years but when I broke, the flood gates came crashing down on just me. He left in 2006, I had never dealt with the pain, just picked up my life as a mom. I had to take care of 2 little girls, under the age of 4, with a new degree and no source of income. There wasn’t time to be sad and depressed, I needed diapers for my 9 month old and clothes for both kids.
Did I mention when my ex left we were in the middle of a transfer? He was active duty military. The Navy had packed up all our belongings and transferred them to the next duty station. I had 4 pairs of sweats and 3 shirts and some clothes packed for my daughters. I contacted the Navy but then wouldn’t turn my items over to me, I was told they had to give them to the active duty service member. It sucked!
From 2006 to 2019, I held all that rage inside of me. No outlet. In 2019, I started crying out of the blue. Consistently. Isolated myself from my children, family and friends. Went though the motions of work. I was always angry and I let my physical appearance go. Stopped doing my hair, only wore sweats and t-shirts. Frozen in time, no air to breathe, lost in my existence without any ideas as to how I was going to get back to me.
My book is available on Amazon, poetry book: https://www.amazon.com/Chaos-Serenity-Heartbreak-Celeste-Holloway/dp/B09NRG8KV5