Who am I after the pain?

Who am I after the pain?

Heartache. Pain. Trauma. No outlet. The result? Anger, depression and a closed off individual that prevents others from getting to close to her by all means. Easier than dealing with my issues was allowing myself to be defined by my past, becoming everything that I’d gone through. I told myself that it was what I’d need to do to protect myself from being hurt any further. Life was empty, I was depleted mentally.

I avoided answering those tough questions, the hardest being: Who am I without the pain and trauma? All my actions, in my mind, were justified due to my past. Saddest time of my life. Priority one became cleaning up my life, redefining who I was and healing the inside to create a new version of myself. How? 

Identifying as my trauma was easy. Removing those ideas, releasing the pain of my past would take time, we’re talking years.

Step one, admit you’re hurting instead of swallowing the pain, becoming angrier and sadder. Talking my issues out with a friend helped, writing out my feeling through poetry became a major release and revisiting the past to hold myself accountable changed my reality. No more victim mentality. 
Step two, stop holding myself hostage. Hiding from the world kept me safe, hindered my growth as well. Our world is all about taking risks, some I needed included meeting new people, being honest with the people currently in my life. 

Step three, live life instead of allowing it to happen to you. Get out sometimes, worked on my appearance and ventured out into the world. Movies, dinner and going out with friends changed my thinking habits. I used to feel guilty for having fun outside of time with my children, my sole purpose was to be there for my kids because I felt like no one was there for me. I never wanted them to have that lonely, worthless feeling.

Step 4, keep going. Healing is not, as I’ve grown to learn, a one day ritual that clears out all the difficult pieces of your life. It’s a journey through your heart and mind to rebrand yourself, not allow one chapter of your life to consume you and stop you from moving forward. Happy days, sad days and indifferent days will occur while you’re healing. IT’S OK! Journey to the past to observe who you were and what you experienced. Learn from it. Use it in your present and future. Journeys are meant to teach us things, I’ve learned so much about myself that I had never realized because I was afraid to explore my own thoughts and feelings.


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